Else I Lose Myself
by jenelin
Summary: A fairly reserved Miroku talks to a depressed Sango.


**_Else I Lose Myself_**

**by jenelin**

_Author's note: These characters belong in the _Inuyasha_ world created by Rumiko Takahashi, and unfortunately not to Jen. But while Miroku is not really mine, I certainly have fun borrowing him for my own purposes...like this story! Comments are always appreciated._

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Rain poured from the sky, drenching the landscape and those who dared to be without shelter. It was a dark night, and the sheets of rain served to further obscure the area. Miroku trudged through the blackness, hoping that any youkai around were staying out of the bad weather. He thought of the small hut they had found and the warm fire they had built, and he wished he was there. 

But Sango was missing, and he had to find her. 

Truth be told, he was glad to be out of the company of Inuyasha and Kagome. He found it to be increasingly uncomfortable, particularly in the past couple of weeks. There had been many secret looks and holding of hands, and Miroku felt excluded. Perhaps Sango felt the same, and perhaps that was why she had wandered off earlier. 

He hoped that was the only reason she had left. 

He hoped that it had nothing to do with him. 

He kept walking, and he remembered... 

_Sango walked beside him, silently watching the trees for any sign of danger. Inuyasha and Kagome walked ahead. Miroku wondered if they cared that everyone could see that they were holding hands. He knew that something had happened between them, but he did not know quite what. He wondered what Sango would do if he took her hand in his. _

She would probably assume that he had accidentally grabbed it on his way to her ass. 

The first drops of rain fell as the sun went down. Kagome and Inuyasha seemed oblivious to it. Sango looked at the sky worriedly and brushed the raindrops off her face. Miroku wished to do that for her. She trudged on in silence, head down. 

"We should find shelter soon," he remarked. 

"Yes," Sango agreed. 

"I don't want you to get cold." 

"None of us should get cold." 

"Of course, of course." 

The rain fell harder. Miroku was entranced by the water that dripped from Sango's hair. She shivered, and he moved closer to her. 

"Are you all right?" 

"I'm fine." 

He wondered if something was wrong. She had not seemed happy since they had won their last battle against Naraku. 

"I won't let anyone hurt you." 

Sango did not look at him. "I can take care of myself." 

"But it's easier with friends to help." 

"Friends?" Sango asked. He wondered what she meant by the question. Did she doubt their friendship? Or was it possible... 

Did she want something more? Was it possible she felt what he did? 

But acknowledging it would only hurt her. He could not tell her what he wanted from her. What he wished they could have. He cared for her too much to bring her into his cursed life. If she bore his child, she would only be given pain. Unless Naraku was defeated, he could take no chances. 

He would not let himself hurt her. 

But sometimes it was so hard. He wanted her so badly; he almost forgot himself sometimes. He needed her slaps in a way. Needed her anger to remind him that she could not be his. At least not yet. 

"I will never hurt you." 

Sango did not say anything. He did not know if she heard him. 

Through the darkness, Miroku spotted a hut. "Come on, I see shelter." He grabbed Sango's hand, and before she had time to react, he pulled her toward the building. 

Her hand was still in his when Inuyasha and Kagome joined them in the hut. Miroku led her to a corner as Inuyasha built a fire. He let go of her hand reluctantly. She did not look at him. 

"I'm going to see if the others need help." He left her and joined Inuyasha. When the hut began to be filled with warmth, he turned to tell Sango to come over. The corner was empty. 

"Where'd Sango go?" 

"She said she wanted some air," Kagome said, piling blankets on the ground. "She's probably just outside the door." 

But Sango had not been just outside the door, and that was why Miroku was trudging across the countryside, looking through the dark and seeing nothing. 

He tried not to consider the fact that she had been taken away unwillingly. Perhaps she just needed to clear her head. Dealings with Naraku always left her feeling down. 

He quickened his pace. The rain stung his skin, and he tried to shield his eyes from it. 

He lost track of time. 

The rain did not lessen, and the darkness enveloped him. Finally, Miroku staggered and collapsed under a tree. He knew that he was far from the hut, and he could only hope that Sango had already returned there. However, he was tired, and he knew that it was best to get some rest. Under the shelter of the tree, he closed his eyes and dreamed. 

_In his dream, he walked behind Sango, able to see her but never able to reach her. They walked down a road, straight and long, until they reached a house. Sango entered, but Miroku could not go past the door. He could see inside, and he saw Sango greeting a man. _

Or perhaps it was not a man. 

Youkai. 

Naraku. 

Sango spoke to the demon, and although Miroku could not hear what she said, he knew she was trying to make a deal with him. Her life for her brother's. 

He saw Naraku agree to her terms. He saw Kohaku appear and embrace his sister. 

And then there was a flash of light. Kohaku burst into a thousand pieces, Naraku laughed, and Sango ran straight for Miroku. As she passed through the door and into his arms, Naraku killed her as well. She did not scream, but looked up into Miroku's face. "Houshi-sama..." 

"Houshi-sama? Are you awake?" 

Miroku slowly opened his eyes, surprised to find that it was light and dry and that Sango stood over him. 

"Houshi-sama? Where are the others?" 

She appeared to be fine. Wandering alone in an unknown area, but fine. 

"Back at the hut. I came looking for you." He sneezed and realized that his clothes were not yet dry from the downpour of the night before. 

Sango looked slightly ashamed. "I'm sorry. I should have thought before I went off. I just needed to...think. You didn't need to come looking for me." 

"Yes I did. What if something had happened to you? I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had just let you go." 

"Well, I'm ready to go back now. It's a good thing I came across you. You might've gotten lost without me." 

Miroku smiled and stood up as Sango headed towards the path. They walked along in companionable silence for awhile, watching the sun rise in the sky. 

"I dreamt about you last night," Miroku said, breaking the silence. 

Sango blushed slightly. "Oh?" 

"You died." 

"Well, thanks." 

"It was Naraku." 

"Oh." Sango looked away, avoiding Miroku's eyes. 

"That's what was bothering you last night, wasn't it?" 

Sango did not answer, and Miroku decided not to push the subject. 

The sun was high in the sky when they reached the hut. Miroku opened the door and noticed Inuyasha and Kagome cuddled comfortably in a blanket with clothes strewn around them. He shut the door as quietly as possible and whispered to Sango, "I don't think we should disturb them." 

"Why not? Are they still...oh! Are they...did they...?" 

"Yes." 

Sango smiled. "Finally." 

They found a small slope nearby and settled themselves on the soft ground. Miroku watched as Sango idly picked at the grass. 

"Naraku does bother me," she finally said. "That's why I left last night. I wonder sometimes if it would be better if I left the group. If maybe Naraku just wants me. Maybe I'm putting everyone in danger." 

"But he is angry with all of us. Not just you." 

"I know. But I think about it anyway. And I think about when he tricked me before. And I wonder if he could do it again. What if he gets to me? What if I end up betraying you all? I would do anything to have my life back again. And what if I do? I would hate myself so much, and I would have ruined things for everyone else." 

"But you haven't done anything. And I don't think you really will. Besides, what would we do without you? What would I do without you?" He wondered if she noticed the desperation in his last statement. 

She smiled at him, but he noticed that it did not reach her eyes. "What would you do without me? The same as you do now. Ask every available woman you come across to bear your child. And eventually someone will agree to it, and you'll have your heir. And your life will be as you want it to be." 

"I don't ask you." 

"I know." 

"I don't want to hurt you." 

Silence. 

"And that is not how I want my life to be. Right now it is as my life must be. Naraku must be defeated. This curse must be destroyed. If that happens...then my life can be how I want it to be. I can be with who I want without them getting hurt. Without my death always hanging over us." 

"So you don't want to be with all those women you ask?" 

"No. Not really." 

Sango frowned. "That's very inconsiderate." 

Miroku's mouth fell open. "Inconsiderate? Why?" 

"Because anyone who agrees will be subjecting themselves to pain. Even if you do not care for them, they may care for you. And if Naraku is not defeated and the curse continues, they will have to deal with it. They will get hurt. And if Naraku is defeated, they will end up with a man who cares nothing for them. Very inconsiderate." 

"I always thought of it as being considerate to the one I really wanted to be with." 

"Perhaps. Perhaps she needs to know that's how you feel." 

"Perhaps she does know." 

Sango stood up. "I just hate not knowing what the future holds. Not knowing if everything will turn out all right. And maybe it would be better to continue on my own. To just deal with everything on my own." 

"No. We...I...wouldn't want to lose you. I can't lose you, else I lose myself." 

"What does that mean?" 

Miroku told himself that he should not continue speaking, but he could not help himself. He did not mean to tell her, but the words would not stop. "I used to do this for myself, for my family," he said. He took hold of her hand and pulled her down. She tried to regain possession of her hand, but he would not let go. "But then I met you. And after awhile I realized that I was no longer living my life for myself. I was living it for you. Because of you I want to get rid of this curse. Because of you I want to defeat Naraku. And although I cannot ask you what I wish to, I cannot see my life without you in it. If I lose you, I lose part of myself." 

He did not look at her and waited to hear laughter. Of course she would not take him seriously. Of course she would laugh at him. He had bared his soul, and she would not believe it. 

Maybe she had not heard at all. She was very quiet. 

And then he felt a slight pressure on his hand. He looked down at their hands, saw their fingers entwined. Saw Sango tighten her grip and then release it. Felt a quick brush of lips on his cheek. Sango pulled away, blushing furiously. "I don't think anyone's ever said anything nicer." 

He smiled and pulled himself to his feet. "I don't care what those two did last night. We need to get going if we want to get anywhere today." 

Sango followed him back to the hut, a small smile on her face. He glanced at her bottom and decided not to take his chances. Instead, he smiled at her and took her hand in his. She made no complaints. 

Kagome was alone in the hut when they arrived. "Inuyasha should be back soon. He's...bathing." She got a glazed look in her eyes. Sango left Miroku's side and joined Kagome. She turned around and smiled at Miroku. He smiled back. Kagome looked at both of them and grinned. She whispered something to Sango, and they both laughed. Sango whispered something, at which Kagome blushed and nodded. Miroku began to feel uncomfortable, so he stepped out of the hut. 

He had told her. And she had accepted it. Perhaps when Naraku was defeated (not if, but when) everything would be as he hoped. He could say the words he was saving until then. "I love you, Sango." He remembered the feeling of her hand in his and her lips on his cheek. Perhaps it was not too much to expect that she would say in return, "I love you, Miroku." He closed his eyes and saw her face. 

"Houshi-sama?" 

Sango and the others stood outside of the hut, looking expectantly at him. 

Inuyasha was frowning. "Let's fucking get out of here. We've lost enough time as it is." 

"Of course." 

The sun shone in the sky, bathing the landscape and those who walked through it with its warmth. Sango walked beside Miroku, silently watching the trees for any sign of danger and occasionally stealing glances in his direction. Inuyasha and Kagome walked ahead, holding hands. Miroku wondered what Sango would do if he put his hand on her ass. 

Maybe she would assume that he had accidentally missed her hand. 

He decided not to take the chance. The day was too beautiful to get slapped in. Instead, he smiled at her and thought about the future, whatever it would hold. 

Sango interrupted his thoughts. "Houshi-sama?" She glanced at him, a slightly embarrassed look on her face. "I hope Naraku is defeated _soon_." 

"So do I, Sango. So do I."   
  
  



End file.
